She's Hiding
This blog post has been a long time coming. I have meant for sometime to share this poem that was penned by my friend Amanda Chan for UH2. It was cut the night before the program and the way it went down and the way my communication of it came across was very hurtful to her and shaming. It's also ironic because the title of the program that season was "don't go hiding" and the cutting of the poem has indeed sent her and some in my life into hiding.
When I first read the poem, from knowing her personally I was just amazed by her honest communication, transparency of her own story and faith and the poem's clear call to not give up on beauty, hope and love and not to bury the faith of others. We fuck it up all the time, but God's love is still there - still perfect.
The church I work at has this slogan so to speak that we've put out and it goes like this:
What if there was a community that:
*promotes the arts
*is honest about the church's mistakes
*creatively reclaims the ancient traditions of the church
*trusts that the message of Christ is inclusive and liberating
*sides with the poor and marginalized
*loves a good BBQ
Man, I have already failed to do a lot of things on this list! but I still aspire to it. Especially wanting to be a living part of a church that is honest about mistakes both past and present, siding with the marginalized and the poor, trusting that Christ's message is specifically for people of all sexualities, races, genders, occupations, abilities, intelligences, languages.... and therefore relevant to all people. Christ help me! I both fail to remember what is true and I fail to love like you.
Amanda, I told you this before--this poem is lovely. As I reread it I am again struck by how gripping and beautiful each statement in it is. And, in the light of our journey the last 4 months it rings even more true to me. Your voice is a beautiful thing and I am sorry we silenced it.
And here it is, Amanda's unedited poem (which includes two lyrical references from the program--"Love is Perfect" and Sufjan's "Oh God, Where Are You Now?").
She's Hiding
by Amanda Chan
Beauty's not lost
She's hiding
in the cracks and crevices inside us
peering out from the shell of
those places we know are incomplete
like the sandcastle
built by a ten year old
that's more sand
than castle
he was afraid to take away
from the ocean
the only substance that keeps it alive
instead he made it from the footprints of parents
too scared to admit they don't know each other anymore
as they walk along the shoreline
so now he has a crumbling castle to show mom and dad
he points to it and says
look, I made a home for us to stay in
because our house doesn't hold laughter anymore
Love is not lost
She's hiding
from the hands of a father
whose only version of touch
is through his fists
from the eyes of a mother
who sees only shame
when she looks at her lesbian daughter
from churches
and their bastard gods
burying the faith
of humans not strong enough to push back
Hope is not lost
She's hiding
But I don't know where to find her
Where is this kingdom of heaven
on earth
that can draw out these muses for the ones crying
Oh God, where are you now?
I want to see Beauty
in the falling down buildings
that hold memories
big enough to make us Stop.
and wonder who built them
I want to feel Love
from a man like Fred Phelps
as he helps a gay man
when he realizes they are people too
I want to hear Hope
in the voice of my girlfriend
as she sings
in a church I never thought she would enter again
We are hiding
from ourselves
and each other
because it is not safe to be exposed
but we cannot go hiding
there are moments:
beautiful moments
charitable moments
hope-full moments
when we can come out and say
here it is
my one love
it's not perfect
sometimes I fuck it up
but here you are
my one love
you're quite perfect
When I first read the poem, from knowing her personally I was just amazed by her honest communication, transparency of her own story and faith and the poem's clear call to not give up on beauty, hope and love and not to bury the faith of others. We fuck it up all the time, but God's love is still there - still perfect.
The church I work at has this slogan so to speak that we've put out and it goes like this:
What if there was a community that:
*promotes the arts
*is honest about the church's mistakes
*creatively reclaims the ancient traditions of the church
*trusts that the message of Christ is inclusive and liberating
*sides with the poor and marginalized
*loves a good BBQ
Man, I have already failed to do a lot of things on this list! but I still aspire to it. Especially wanting to be a living part of a church that is honest about mistakes both past and present, siding with the marginalized and the poor, trusting that Christ's message is specifically for people of all sexualities, races, genders, occupations, abilities, intelligences, languages.... and therefore relevant to all people. Christ help me! I both fail to remember what is true and I fail to love like you.
Amanda, I told you this before--this poem is lovely. As I reread it I am again struck by how gripping and beautiful each statement in it is. And, in the light of our journey the last 4 months it rings even more true to me. Your voice is a beautiful thing and I am sorry we silenced it.
And here it is, Amanda's unedited poem (which includes two lyrical references from the program--"Love is Perfect" and Sufjan's "Oh God, Where Are You Now?").
She's Hiding
by Amanda Chan
Beauty's not lost
She's hiding
in the cracks and crevices inside us
peering out from the shell of
those places we know are incomplete
like the sandcastle
built by a ten year old
that's more sand
than castle
he was afraid to take away
from the ocean
the only substance that keeps it alive
instead he made it from the footprints of parents
too scared to admit they don't know each other anymore
as they walk along the shoreline
so now he has a crumbling castle to show mom and dad
he points to it and says
look, I made a home for us to stay in
because our house doesn't hold laughter anymore
Love is not lost
She's hiding
from the hands of a father
whose only version of touch
is through his fists
from the eyes of a mother
who sees only shame
when she looks at her lesbian daughter
from churches
and their bastard gods
burying the faith
of humans not strong enough to push back
Hope is not lost
She's hiding
But I don't know where to find her
Where is this kingdom of heaven
on earth
that can draw out these muses for the ones crying
Oh God, where are you now?
I want to see Beauty
in the falling down buildings
that hold memories
big enough to make us Stop.
and wonder who built them
I want to feel Love
from a man like Fred Phelps
as he helps a gay man
when he realizes they are people too
I want to hear Hope
in the voice of my girlfriend
as she sings
in a church I never thought she would enter again
We are hiding
from ourselves
and each other
because it is not safe to be exposed
but we cannot go hiding
there are moments:
beautiful moments
charitable moments
hope-full moments
when we can come out and say
here it is
my one love
it's not perfect
sometimes I fuck it up
but here you are
my one love
you're quite perfect
4 Comments:
Thanks for posting this poem, Tara. Amanda had told me about her being censored then altogether cut off from sharing this poem but i had not read the poem myself.
it is a beautiful and transparent work of art.
Indeed Tara, you've put tender words to a very disappointing and complicated matter. I wish things could have come to pass differently.
Thank you again for penning such a remarkable poem Amanda, and for extending grace and forgiveness to both the organization and those of us who made the difficult decision to cut your intimate piece from the live program. I am still grieved to know that such content choices caused those I care about to go into hiding--no good.
What was the reason why the poem was censored or cut?
Greg - Amanda mentions her girlfriend in the poem. UH decided that her sexuality was too controversial to allow her to speak on stage and disinvited her from the performance. That, and apparently 2/3rd of the band proper didn't do any kind of research into what "slam poetry" is before they invited a "slam"-inspired poet into collaboration.
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